


between the heart and mind

by suhologist (avisdreams)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Facial Shaving, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No Plot/Plotless, Shaving, description of small panic attack, just good and bad feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-18 22:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20199091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avisdreams/pseuds/suhologist
Summary: Junmyeon is stupidly in love with Chanyeol to the extent that Junmyeon has to regularly check in with himself. It’s not a dream? He does get this bit of happiness, too?





	between the heart and mind

**Author's Note:**

> this started as an idea i had before i went on my vacation to japan this past march that was literally, "suyeol go to japan." and it expanded while i was there and when i returned home and it evolved into ... this. it's developed into more or a self-reflective piece abt anxiety and depression, so pls remember not everyone's struggle is the same and this is simply based off my own personal experiences ♡. again, as the tags suggest it involves mental health issues relating to depression and anxiety so if these are sensitive topics for you pls take heed!

“Remember when you used to hate me?”

Junmyeon continues to fold his clothes, the specific method Chanyeol had taught him. They’ve been together long enough that he’s not taken aback by Chanyeol’s peculiar way of gushing his feelings and reminiscing. “I didn’t _hate_ you, I just thought you were obnoxious, annoying, stubborn…” he trails off, smugly smiling towards Chanyeol. “And now you’re stuck with me~”

Chanyeol knows Junmyeon never really hated him, the same way he knows he’s only annoying sometimes.

Junmyeon is stupidly in love with Chanyeol to the extent that Junmyeon has to regularly check in with himself. It’s not a dream? He does get this bit of happiness, too?

Chanyeol huffs, crosses his long arms that are engulfed in his large sweatshirt “Junmyeon,” he states, and waits until Junmyeon looks up and makes eye contact with him. “You’re really not funny.” but he cracks a smile anyway, and Junmyeon sends one back. He keeps folding and packing.

🌸

This isn’t either of their first trips to Tokyo but it is their first trip together, so Chanyeol made a list of necessities that they _needed_ to do, while also fulfilling some of Junmyeon’s own interests. There’s a few museums he looked into once they decided they were officially going on this trip, and besides food, that’s the extent of his necessities.

They reach their airbnb in Shinagawa with relative ease, though traveling anywhere with luggage is always precarious. Junmyeon lets Chanyeol navigate them there on his phone while he walks behind wheeling his own suitcase and taking in the sights of the night. From ahead Chanyeol is radiating energy that's hard for Junmyeon to match. Even though the flight wasn't long Junmyeon is _exhausted_ and he knows he isn’t present. He could see Chanyeol glancing at him on the train from the airport, trying to engage with him, trying to encourage Junmyeon to be as excited as he was a few months ago when they booked their flights.

And it’s not that Junmyeon doesn’t love that he’s here in Tokyo with his boyfriend, he is excited. He just... he can’t really remember the right way to express it. He’s usually good at plastering on a smile and moving through the motions. But with Chanyeol, he knows he won’t get away with being anything except genuine— has made it impossible to get away with things without it feeling forced and insincere, which is probably a good thing. Yet Junmyeon can’t help but have that be another added layer of guilt, because now he knows that Chanyeol can tell he isn’t as excited.

Junmyeon gets the sick feeling that if he tries emoting anything other than a small smile that the surface is going to crack and he’s going to fall through.

After greeting their host and going over the necessary formalities she shows them to their room, two futon mats ready for them in the closet, and leaves them to their devices. Junmyeon immediately closes the curtains and begins to shed his jacket, wanting nothing more than to sleep 'til morning. 

“Are you hungry?” Chanyeol asks, wheeling his suitcase to a corner of the room, jacket still on. Junmyeon stops undressing. It is only 8pm, true that they haven’t eaten in a few hours. Chanyeol is always hungry and, huh, maybe Junmyeon is too if he lets himself think about it. Maybe he’s been mistaking anxiety for hunger. 

Suddenly his stomach growls, as if in response to Chanyeol’s question. “I didn’t think so, but let’s get something to eat.”

Chanyeol immediately whips his phone out again, making sure to use the airbnb wifi, before searching for the best options nearby. There’s a lot, fortunately. They opt for a soba place back in the direction of the station, less than a five minute walk. 

It’s the end of March, the spring chill in the air causing the slightest trembles through Junmyeon when the wind blows between the tall city buildings. Chanyeol bumps his arm against his.

“You should’ve worn your scarf,” he chastises. “You’re always cold.”

Junmyeon scrunches his face, “What’s the point when you’re supposed to be my built-in furnace?” he teases. It’s so easy to jab at Chanyeol, who’s mouth immediately drops into a ‘o’ and he closes it just as quickly before puffing his cheeks. Cute.

“I can’t always be your personal space heater.” Chanyeol is always so loud, drowning out the noise in his head; it’s one of his favorite things.

“Stop yelling.”

“I’m not yelling!” Chanyeol yells.

It pulls a laugh out of Junmyeon. Genuine. Chanyeol is truly the best comfort. He steps in closer and grabs onto his arm for a brief moment before letting go. All for the best, because Chanyeol jolts to a stop while looking down at his phone.

“Ah, we’re here already,” he states. He moves forward first, taking the two steps from the street down into the soba place that is only big enough to seat probably twelve people at a time. Junmyeon watches him for a moment while he’s already looking at the vending dispensary for their menu tickets, takes a deep breath of the chilly evening spring air, and pushes the button for the door to slide open.

They are certainly here indeed.

🌸

When Junmyeon comes back from the bathroom in the airbnb, tiptoeing quietly, he finds that Chanyeol has smushed their two futons into one big one on the floor lying haphazardly on his stomach; his large body diagonally taking up as much space as possible.

Junmyeon, seeing this as the only rational option, proceeds to gently flop on top of his boyfriend, legs overlapping as a misshapen X across the futons. The small grunt from Chanyeol makes Junmyeon grin, especially when all Chanyeol does as a form of retaliation is swing his leg back in a light kick against Junmyeon’s leg.

“So, about tomorrow,” Junmyeon starts, and he shuffles from his stomach to his side, keeping their legs touching. He knows what their plans are, confident he knows, but there’s the nagging in the back of his mind that leaves a tang of doubt that he has any idea of what’s going on.

“We’re going to go to Odaiba! We’ll spend some time in this area too. I was thinking we could do the interactive museum thing we looked at, Unicorn 1-1, rainbow bridge. There’s a mall we can spend time in,” Chanyeol flops onto his side so that now they’re facing each other. “We don’t have to get up early if you don’t want. I know you didn’t sleep well and you’ve been tired and—” 

“It’s okay,” Junmyeon cuts him off. He thought he wanted to know what the plans for tomorrow were but as soon as Chanyeol began to verbally list, well, that was kind of it for Junmyeon. “I’ll do whatever's planned.” Turns out he’s just going to be on edge no matter what.

Chanyeol locks his phone and lays it face down in-between them. “If it’s too much we can not do some stuff.”

Chanyeol is being great, as usual, suggesting in the subtle way that if Junmyeon still isn’t one hundred percent they don’t have to move at such a fast pace. Junmyeon’s throat itches in a familiar way that reminds him he’s losing control, and his body tenses and locks up in response.

“Okay,” he forces out, no waver or break. The small smile, he hopes it’s enough to convince Chanyeol, and himself, that it’s true enough. “Sleepy,” he yawns, an automatic bodily response to the word ’sleep’, “Can we turn off the big light?” he asks.

“Of course,” Chanyeol moves— gets up immediately— and Junmyeon would probably never admit it, not verbally, but he already misses the light pressure of their legs touching. Without the small touch to keep him stable the drain has opened he’s seeping out onto the futons and the floor. A puddle.

He curls in on himself, his preferred sleeping position, legs to chest, arms under his pillow for extra cushioning. Even behind closed eyes he can tell when Chanyeol has flicked the light switch, being plunged into even more darkness.

Junmyeon feels something on top of him, Chanyeol’s placed one of the two blankets on him. Junmyeon hums in thanks, and Chanyeol gently pats one of his hands that peeks out from under Junmyeon’s pillow. 

“Goodnight,” Chanyeol whispers, but Junmyeon is scared if he says anything it’ll come out crumbled and wrong so he hums again as a response.

🌸

Junmyeon wakes up to the uncanny and deep grumble that is undeniably Chanyeol. The more he comes to he hears the melody of Chanyeol’s alarm.

For someone so big and loud, when Chanyeol puts in the effort he’s good at moving around without making too much noise. Junmyeon feigns waking, hoping maybe he can get another fifteen minutes in when Chanyeol leaves the room to inevitably use the bathroom and get ready for the day.

After what feels like no time at all there’s a hot hand moving through the front of his hair. “Kim Junmyeon,” Chanyeol whispers in his deep baritone. 

Junmyeon straddles that line between asleep and awake— the moment he realizes that he is indeed awake alive and existing, the daily dose of sour reality settles and he does the only thing he can— he opens his eyes and wakes up.

They eat melon bread from the 7/11 that’s conveniently next door of their airbnb for breakfast, a box of peach juice to wash it down.

It’s too crowded and loud to hold conversation on the trains as they make their way to Odaiba. Chanyeol booked them admission for the museum, and after Junmyeon looked at their website again he was invested again. An interactive, body immersive, museum. 

It's really… soothing. Grounding how the music in each installation lulls him into a calmness. In a particular installation he wishes he could maybe lay his head on Chanyeol’s stomach and nap in this room as they lay on the mirrored floor. Instead they lay side by side, arms pressed together, watching the flowers on the domed screen, projected onto everyone’s bodies— grow, bloom, and bud. As if lying between infinity.

Some flowers move too fast, zoom across and disappear into nothing while others move gradually, slowly. And in time, the petals fall— the flowers wither and die. A continuous change in the projection that Junmyeon doesn't want to leave.

A cycle of life and death— how the universe at this moment in time can never be seen again.

These moments with Chanyeol, in a foreign city with strangers who know nothing about them, to never be experienced again, wasted due to his own apathy.

Junmyeon feels inexplicably lonely for the rest of the day.

There’s a restaurant, a cozy casual spot designed with an openness integrated with a high domed cover located right next to the museum, and they grab a late lunch. Chanyeol is half sprawled across the table showing Junmyeon some of the photos he took while they were barefoot in the museum. Walking through water and on mirrors and through lights and sound. The eat in relative silence, Junmyeon continually going through his camera roll deciding what to post as Chanyeol’s big legs, bent under the table, inevitably bump into his thighs.

It’s just a far enough distance with not much in-between that leads them to get back on the train to head toward Unicorn 1:1. Which is good, because their original plan was to witness a night transformation for the lifesize gundam model, but the last one turns out to be scheduled in an hours time, so they hover in the area and kill time instead.

There’s a crowd of people already gathered around the base taking photos and waiting; with twenty minutes until the transformation they visit _Gundam Cafe_ for a drink. Junmyeon sips his tapioca cherry peach tea from the at the base of Unicorn 1:1, candidly posing as Chanyeol takes his photo from a distance.

Chanyeol comes walking back already handing over his phone and bending himself over Junmyeon's back, rests his chin on his shoulder, waiting for him to give the okay that the photos are good enough. They are. Junmyeon’s trained Chanyeol to be a good instagram boyfriend.

“Good boy, Chanyeol~” Junmyeon praises, glances to see Chanyeol beam. Junmyeon gives him a single _pat_ on the top of his head.

“I’m not a dog,” he removes his head from Junmyeon's shoulder, his beaming smile gone and replaced with an affronted pout.

“Then stop looking so pleased when I call you a _good boy_~” he teases, and Chanyeol's face blooms in pink.

“Together?” Chanyeol asks, ignoring Junmyeon’s quip while holding his arm out for a selfie, and Junmyeon agrees.

He records the whole two minutes of the transformation. It’s short, a little anti-climactic, but it was still _awesome_. A small family of four next to them, their young child probably not even eight speaks in english, “That's it?”

Junmyeon laughs. Chanyeol is taking more photos, and everything is fine.

They walk towards Rainbow Bridge as the sun sets, casting an orange tint over everything. The miniature Statue of Liberty providing a cute photo op. He could make a joke on instagram about a visit New York. He wants to make that a possibility, too. New York, another trip, seems like such a distant and impossible concept.

They eat again and return to an empty airbnb. It’s not too late, but the sun is long gone and Junmyeon is tired. He can normally walk thousands and thousands of steps, and it’s not his body that’s exhausted but his head hurts and there’s an ache in his chest that makes him want to lay down under the comfort of the blankets and hold onto Chanyeol, even for a little bit.

They lay on the futons, on their stomachs, and watch videos of non-sensical things for the rest of their evening. It’s nice, not having to move so much and enjoy Chanyeol’s company. Junmyeon loves traveling but he loves Chanyeol more.

It’s lights out, not even close to midnight, but it’s always a little easier to confront something head on when you don’t necessarily have to look someone in the eye. Or that they don’t have to look in yours.

“Are you doing okay?” Chanyeol asks before Junmyeon can even apologize.

“I’m okay,” Junmyeon says, barely a mumble, quick to get it out in the open. “I’m sorry. I’m fine.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Chanyeol’s big hand edges over and rubs against Junmyeon’s forearm. It’s supposed to be comforting, but Junmyeon suddenly feels suffocated. Last night a touch was a landline. Tonight it's a burn, like if there's contact all of Junmyeon's deep dark secrets are going to flow into Chanyeol instead. He curls in on himself even more. “Are you sure? It’s… it’s okay, if you’re not?”

Junmyeon nods. His heart pounding the same way it had earlier climbing the mountain of stairs of their building to their home-away-from-home. “I’m just adjusting,” Chanyeol removes his hand and Junmyeon doesn’t know why he feels so on edge. Normally loves small affectionate touches, thrives on people paying attention and doting on him.

Instead he's reverting back to how he used to react whenever Chanyeol would so much as bump into him on accident— doesn’t understand where it’s coming from. “It’s a lot, but it’s good. I’m just not one hundred percent … _here_?”

He doesn’t know what he’s saying. How does Junmyeon explain that he feels like he’s wasted his and Chanyeol’s money on a trip he can’t even appreciate. He feels guilty.

“We can make tomorrow a slow day,” Chanyeol offers. Junmyeon nods, pressing his face into Chanyeol’s chest. “We can take our time.”

Once they’ve stopped talking Junmyeon focuses on the white noise of the city. They’re no longer cuddled up, and Junmyeon can’t stand how hot and cold he is with himself and what he thinks he wants. But now he misses Chanyeol’s touch and is convinced he probably won’t be able to sleep much, with his brain swirling and unable to focus. But in no time he’s drifting, floating and falling like the flowers projected above him earlier that day into infinity.

🌸

Junmyeon wakes up alone on his futon, with a sour taste on his tongue, and acid in his stomach. Junmyeon isn't satisfied with how he handled things last night. He wants to apologize for being frustrated, for being quiet, for not having a good enough reason as to why he's so distracted.

Reflecting he thinks he could tell Chanyeol was standoffish by the end of the day. Is he reading way into the fact that Chanyeol didn’t so much as touch his arm after they left Odaiba until they were alone in their room? And even then—

It’s the self-doubt that clawing through him that reinforces the idea that maybe this — the trip — was just a mistake. He’s bringing Chanyeol down, distancing himself, and it turns out you can try and run to abandon your problems but even in another country they follow and latch on, refusing to let go.

Chanyeol’s deep voice travels from the kitchen of their airbnb, talking in slow but practiced Japanese with the sweet older lady, their host. Junmyeon can’t tell what they’re talking about, but he listens astutely all the same. When Chanyeol isn’t loud, when he attempts to be quiet, his baritone is his favorite way to be lulled into what Junmyeon thinks as a calm semi-floating stasis.

When he comes back from the kitchen Junmyeon keeps his eyes closed, waits for Chanyeol’s soft touch to stir him awake. It doesn’t come, instead just a soft calling of his name. Maybe if Junmyeon pretends to sleep Chanyeol will press a soft kiss to his forehead. He’d never admit, his preferred way to wake up.

“Junmyeon, it’s almost 10, we should move.”

A pillow drops on his face. Soft, but the wrong kind of soft. The pillow could’ve been filled with rocks, for how jarring it feels to Junmyeon, his eyes shooting open.

It’s dumb, dumb dumb dumb… That Junmyeon still expects Chanyeol to instinctually know that he’s less than okay. He’s mad at Chanyeol, for not knowing he wanted to be treated lightly this morning. He’s frustrated at himself for never communicating, even as it’s happening in real time.

He sits up and his throat closes suddenly, and he hides his choke with stretching. “Bathroom,” he croaks out before getting up and zooming across the hall where his toothbrush and toiletries are. He turns the faucet on, lets himself cry for thirty seconds.

In Junmyeon’s experience sometimes a few seconds is all you need.

Junmyeon rinses his face with a few splashes of cold water to de-puff his face, feels the prickly sensation of his facial hair growing in, brushes his teeth for as much time as he gave himself to cry. It’s hardly a morning routine but he doesn’t have much in him to try and do it properly, making the process even longer for himself. Especially if Chanyeol’s been waiting for him to wake up, if they’re already running behind schedule. It’s too late to talk about it now. Maybe he’ll try and get it together enough for lunch, maybe dinner.

For Chanyeol’s credit, he can definitely tell there’s something… off. Junmyeon can see how he makes glances his way every few steps once they reach Harajuku. Junmyeon wants to say something, ask Chanyeol if he wants to say something, and it’s on the tip of his tongue but it’s not the time. They move through the throng of people with a destination in mind; Chanyeol is determined to get one of those giant rainbow cotton candy's the size of a small child.

Takeshita Street is a mess. A mess is the only way Junmyeon can adequately convey how many people are shoved into the small street that features dozens upon dozens of different shops and boutiques. There’s vendors for crepes at every other junction, a plethora of other street food vendors. Junmyeon clasps onto Chanyeol’s arm to not get separated.

It’s a lot of people, and he’s being pressed against as people push forward and past and it’s uncomfortable. Junmyeon wants out. Normally he doesn’t mind it, the feeling of getting lost in a crowd. It’s too much today.

“Is that it?” Junmyeon points ahead, past Chanyeol towards a queue of young adults and teens that leads up to Totti Candy Factory.

They make their way through the crowd and up the stairs, waiting in line together. It’s moving quickly, and Junmyeon is looking at the different lollipops and candies offered while Chanyeol scrolls through his phone.

“This one’s you,” Chanyeol points to a cake pop of a bunny. It _is_ cute. It’s sitting right next to the little dog cake pop. Chanyeol literally set the joke up perfectly but—

Junmyeon just… can’t get past the acid in his stomach. Junmyeon has been in love with Chanyeol for so long, you don’t just go on a vacation to another country with someone you have no intention to spend the rest of your life with, right? But Chanyeol was so… when compared to what Junmyeon marks as his ‘normal’ he’s distant.

Junmyeon is hit with an unexpected wave of anxiety that jumbles and halts all function and thought. “I’ll wait for you outside the family mart,” Junmyeon says to Chanyeol before immediately leaving the store, not stopping when Chanyeol calls out a loud, “Wait!” behind him.

This is so— Junmyeon is overreacting. It’s ridiculous and Junmyeon just needs to breathe but he _can’t_ because he’s upset and he’s scared. Chanyeol is upset at him because he’s not having fun, but won’t say anything, but is mad at Junmyeon and he’s going to resent him for the rest of the trip and maybe longer. Enough resentment that he won’t want to go on a trip ever again, enough that there wouldn’t be a reason to even be together— 

_Breathe Junmyeon_.

And he does. He clenches his fists and wishes he wasn’t so… broken. He counts the number of people who walk by wearing the color red and they’re walking faster than he can count. He doesn’t want Chanyeol to be upset with him. He switches to yellow; it’s better. Now that he knows what it’s like to have Chanyeol so close he’s panicking that he’s going to lose him.

He’s in mid-thought when his name is called and Chanyeol, holding their rainbow cotton candy and standing taller than most people on this street, who has gotten so broad, still looks so small and worried when he sees Junmyeon’s face.

It would be comical, Junmyeon thinks, under other circumstances seeing Chanyeol in his large jacket and snapback, hair tucked delicately behind his ears, holding an equally large rainbow cotton candy. “Are you mad at me?” Junmyeon asks, and without thinking grabs a piece near the base and shoves it into his mouth to keep himself from spewing anymore words. 

Chanyeol splutters, caught off guard. “Why would you think that I’m mad at you?”

Junmyeon’s heart rate continues to accelerate and he avoids eye contact at all costs. “You seemed distant and… and annoyed? And I know I’m not being fun and you spent so much time planning and I’m ruining it—”

“No. No, no, Junmyeon—” Chanyeol cuts him off and his big eyes are wide and his free arm that isn’t holding onto his cotton candy is flailing everywhere. “I’m not I’m really not I— I thought you wanted space? You said you were adjusting—,” He looks like he’s about to drop his candy on the street and Junmyeon would be upset that they wasted ¥900 for it to drop before they could even take a photo— Junmyeon already took a bite of the cotton candy in his panic he already ruined Chanyeol’s photo. Great.

“Kim Junmyeon,” Chanyeol gains his attention. “I am not upset _at_ you, I’m upset _for_ you. I meant it when I said I wanted to take today slower because you seemed extra tired and just,” he flaps his free arm, “Just not _here_ but it’s okay that you aren’t?”

“Oh…” Junmyeon replies. “Are you sure?”

“Kim Junmyeon, I would never begrudge you for not feeling okay because of something that’s out of both of our control.”

Junmyeon hates when he gets so unsure about the most stable thing in his life that he causes Chanyeol to be upset. “I know… I know that,” he grumbles. “It just… I freaked out I’m sorry.”

“Nooo, Kim Junmyeon.” Chanyeol pouts and even though his heart is in shambles right now Junmyeon is so endeared by how cute Chanyeol looks; all 185cm. He shoves the cotton candy in Junmyeon’s direction, “Let’s eat this and regroup, okay?”

What a miscommunication.

“Do you want me to take a photo? I’m sorry I took a panic bite before you could but if you just… turn it to the side it’ll be fine—”

“I don’t care that you took a bite! But you too,” Chanyeol interjects. “You also have to take a picture. It’ll look funnier with you holding it since you’re so much smaller.”

Junmyeon is already breathing easier when he reaches forward and gives a quick tug on Chanyeol’s ear, bringing him down to Junmyeon height. Chanyeol, so loud, yells and gets people to glance in their direction. Junmyeon lets go and smiles a genuine smile.

“You’re such a brat.” Chanyeol grins back, mega-watt and what’s probably a hundred teeth. He hands the mammoth cotton candy over and Junmyeon doesn’t even know how to hold it so the proportions are in his favor.

Chanyeol has his phone out, but hesitates. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice, you know… enough to recognize where you were.”

Junmyeon doesn’t feel like getting sentimental in one of the busiest streets of Japan, let alone after having a small breakdown for whoever was looking close enough. And he figured he would be the one exclusively apologizing to Chanyeol.

“Don’t worry about it.” He can’t worry about it, at least not right now. Chanyeol likes talking through misunderstandings as soon as possible where Junmyeon would rather bury them until they disappear on their own.

It seems exhausting, he thinks, seeing how Chanyeol navigates his emotions and wears them plainly without regret. But Junmyeon’s way is exhausting too.

They take their photos and feed each other pieces of the different flavored sugar. It’s sickly sweet, too much but Junmyeon enjoys it all the same. They agree to walk to Meiji Jingu to visit the shrine, eat ramen at a place that was highly recommended located by the station for dinner.

Their bellies full and Junmyeon more stable than he was this morning they really do head back to Shinagawa with most of their night to do whatever they please. They’re even able to actually sit together on the Yamanote Line, pressed close for comfort while people in business suits fill a majority of the standing space.

Showered and dressed in night clothes Chanyeol crowds in on Junmyeon’s space, kneeling comfortably back on his calves as holds one of Junmyeon’s hands in his lap and with the other grasps his chin.

Junmyeon lets him. When he loses his footing and slips with his health, sometimes Chanyeol likes to stare, and it still makes Junmyeon internally squirm having that much attention on him with nowhere to go. But Chanyeol takes his index finger and runs the back of it along his jaw line, up his cheek, back down to the jut of his chin.

Chanyeol’s expression transitions to a smirk. “Did you shave in the dark?”

Junmyeon pulls his hand out of Chanyeol’s lap and clicks his tongue, lightly punching Chanyeol in the chest. “Hmm, maybe I’ve just forgotten~”

Chanyeol scowls at him, holding the spot where he was hit, “I wonder would happen if you were nicer to me?”

“I hope,” Junmyeon says, “you realize you’re going to be disappointed if you love me for how _nice_ I am.”

Chanyeol lurches forward and plunges his face into Junmyeon’s chest, and suddenly Junmyeon’s lap is full of overgrown pup. Chanyeol is always spatially unaware of how their bodies should fit, stretching his torso across the distance wrapping his arms around Junmyeon’s waist. Junmyeon runs his tongue along his teeth, wonders if Chanyeol can feel how heavy his heart is beating like this.

But Chanyeol moves his head off his chest as soon as the thought is formed, large hands move to cover his shoulders as he sits himself up before grasping, cradling his head between his hands. Chanyeol probably wouldn’t need to use more than one to cover all of his face, so Junmyeon feels a bit overwhelmed as both of Chanyeol’s big hands circumference his head.

“You could ask me to help?” Chanyeol suggests, his lips curling at what Junmyeon supposes is his own nonplussed reaction. He chuckles, but Junmyeon feels his face bloom and getting hot as he averts his eyes.

“Can I trust you with a razor at my throat?” Junmyeon hums out.

Chanyeol drops his hands from Junmyeon’s face and sits up on his knees so his kneeling position is now looming over him. “Of course you can! Why couldn’t you!”

Junmyeon can’t hold himself back anymore when he slowly leans in and up, smiling and teeth bared, to leave a small kiss on the corner of Chanyeol’s mouth. “You big oaf.”

Chanyeol lets out a puff of air he’d been holding in, unsure if Junmyeon was planning to kiss him or bite him.

Junmyeon still feels warm ten minutes later when he’s sitting on the toilet with a hot washcloth on his face, Chanyeol using his own razor and shaving gel, the one that smells of lemongrass, as Chanyeol stands with one leg on either side of Junmyeon.

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this. Junmyeon notes, as Chanyeol gently removes the damp hot towel and places it over Junmyeon’s eyes, that it’s simply first time Chanyeol’s offered.

Normally Junmyeon is the one who straddles Chanyeol, the perfect size to sit in his lap and carefully drag Chanyeol’s fancy five-blade razor along his cheek.

Chanyeol’s always been a little bit lazy about shaving, though. Liking all of the nice products but not really knowing how to use them properly, so Junmyeon enjoys helping him out. Likes when he can have a little extra control. However, Chanyeol’s never mentioned how _nerve wracking_ it was not being able to see.

“Okay Kim Junmyeon, sit still,” Chanyeol commands in a voice that is anything but commanding. If anything it wavers.

It’s hard for Junmyeon to sit obediently while Chanyeol is lathering up his face, but it’s sit still or get sliced and Junmyeon is more than positive that Chanyeol would never forgive himself— so he obeys without comment.

Well, he at least tries not to comment. “I’m not a dog,” he snuffs out, “I thought that was you~” 

Chanyeol whines.

“Please still love me if I nick you,” he bemoans as he drags the razor through the lather across Junmyeon’s face. Once. Twice.

Junmyeon waits until he hears him rinse the razor under the sink and clear the blades. “Then don’t cut me.”

Chanyeol comes back to carefully shave the skin above Junmyeon’s top lip. “Have you ever gone to one of those fancy barbers? The kind who use a single blade?”

“Hmm, no. Have you ever watched Sweeney Todd?” Junmyeon asks back.

Chanyeol huffs out an exasperated breath. “So bloody! And I don’t need to when you’ve sung the entire soundtrack.”

“Swing your razor wide, Yeolie~” Junmyeon sings lowly, can feel Chanyeol’s exasperation radiating off of him, even without sight.

Chanyeol’s learned to ignore certain jabs, especially when they’re not in their own home, but he does use a firmer grip as he readjusts how Junmyeon’s face is angled.

There’s a brief hesitation before he brings the razor back to glide effortlessly across his face. Junmyeon purses his lips and scrunches his nose.

“Are you scared?” Chanyeol’s breath hitches as he rinses the razor again.

“No,” Junmyeon replies, the teasing from moments ago gone. “I trust you.” He can’t take it anymore, not being able to see, grabs the damp washcloth that isn’t even warm anymore and hangs it over the basin of the sink. “It just feels strange.”

It’s such a weird sensation being on the receiving end, not knowing where the blade will be next.

Chanyeol has the tip of his tongue sticking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration, slowly skims the razor along the line of Junmyeon’s jaw. Maybe this is why Chanyeol deigns to have his eyes covered, because watching someone else concentrated on not slicing his throat is simply… a lot.

“Shaving feels strange?” Chanyeol teases.

“No,” Junmyeon scoffs, and if Chanyeol didn’t have a razor pressed to the base his throat, moving up and under his chin, he’d retaliate and push him away. He settles for placing them on his hips and holding on tight, kneading at the skin and flesh and looking up to him. “I like it.”

Chanyeol makes eye contact and gapes, wiggling out of Junmyeon’s hold, blush creeping down from his ears to his neck, across his face. He presses his lips together, rinses the razor. Junmyeon giggles.

“Awful,” Chanyeol bemoans, “An awful, terrible bastard.”

“We’re in Japan, shouldn’t you refer to me as senpai, big oaf?” Chanyeol skims the razor along the undersize of Junmyeon’s chin, the round edges, where he knows most of his hair grows, leaving behind what Junmyeon hopes is smooth skin.

“Call me big oaf one more time Bastard-_senpai_,” Chanyeol tests on his tongue, he smears his thumb down across the now hairless skin along his jawline, holds the razor menacingly. “I’ll consider it,” he threatens.

He pecks Junmyeon quickly on the mouth, grabs Junmyeon’s chin, examines his work. Adjusts and shaves in the tiniest strokes to finish it off. He takes the discarded towel from earlier and gently wipes the excess lathered gel from Junmyeon's neck and face. Chanyeol grabs for the moisturizer, and Junmyeon grabs for his waist again, pulling him to sit.

Chanyeol applies and pats the moisturizer for Junmyeon, pointedly ignoring the bulge that’s formed in Junmyeon’s pants, until Junmyeon purposefully readjusts. “It _was_ that kind of like…” Chanyeol blushes, “I’m not doing anything with that,” he gestures between them.

He’s only teasing— knows they can’t actually do anything in someone else’s home— but that doesn’t stop Junmyeon from lowering his eyes to half-mast. “Thanks for the shave, you big oaf.”

Chanyeol takes the wet towel and covers Junmyeon’s face, who laughs and whips Chanyeol on his leg. “You’re welcome, Bastard.”

Joy builds up and holds itself deep in his chest. Junmyeon wonders how long it’s going to last. He leans forward and up, can’t help but kiss Chanyeol deep deep deep.

Back in their room, with the door closed and the big lights off, Chanyeol plays some mobile game while Junmyeon struggles to pick a photo to post on instagram, spends an additional ten minutes figuring out the best way to edit it, caption it.

They’re talking nonsense, when all the lights are out and they’re lying in the dark with only the glow from the street lights illuminating the closed curtains, and Junmyeon’s hand perfectly wraps around Chanyeol’s wrist. He feels the steady beat of his pulse and focuses on that as he finds words he’s been wanting to say since this afternoon.

“I’m sorry for today,” Junmyeon whispers, “For why I felt like I needed to get away.”

“You shouldn’t apologize for struggling—”

“That’s not just it,” Junmyeon admits, “I don’t know how to talk about how I feel. And earlier I… panicked. I thought you would resent me for not being as enthusiastic and you’d hold it against me and realize how big the world is, and if given the opportunity to look you’ll find someone much more capable than me—” 

Chanyeol shuts him up with a soft kiss to his mouth. “I would never resent you for this. Of course I want us to have fun and be happy but that is _never_ a reason I would even think of ending this. I’m pretty sure you’re it Kim Junmyeon. I already found you! So why the hell would I keep looking? Trust me a little more, okay?”

And it’s reassurance, and honesty, and Junmyeon wants to believe him so bad, so he nods. Chanyeol is so sure in them, so trusting him is something he can do. He can do that for him, right? He can.

🌸

The next day is their day trip to Hakone. They get on the earliest train possible, fortunately the assigned seating allowing them to sit next to each other on the romance car, so Junmyeon snoozes for the hour and change. It’s bright, sunny, and _windy_. Their main reasons to come to Hakone— besides taking the ropeway and seeing Mt. Fuji, to visit the Open Air Museum.

It’s a stop along the train up the mountain, and the air is brisk and it’s smells clean and beautiful. They grab a Korean information guide and after paying for admission begin walking the grounds of the outdoor sculpture park.

“There’s the Picasso Pavilion hall we have to visit,” Junmyeon directs as he opens the map of the park and studies it, mapping out a route for the late morning. They have to get as much done as possible, since they’re only visiting Hakone for the day. 

Chanyeol comes up from behind and plants both of his hands on Junmyeon’s shoulders, directing him to start moving. “We should walk and plan! Time management!”

When it’s not windy the sun is a pleasant warmth on Junmyeon’s face. He wishes he could lay down and photosynthesize, convert sunbeams into more energy. 

The park is gorgeous. The lawn dotted with abstract sculptures, the larger one ahead the Symphonic Sculpture according to Junmyeon’s guide. It looks more like a cylindrical tower, but they move their way closer towards it and enter through the base. 

In the center is a spiral staircase, spotlights mounted on it which Junmyeon assumes is to illuminate it during the evening once the sun has set. Junmyeon takes photos from below, close ups of the stained glass— it reminds him of the interactive museum in Tokyo with it’s bright and mesmerizing colors— and Junmyeon glances at Chanyeol who is taking his own photos. He realizes that from the sun they’re both bathed in hues of blues and reds breaking over their face and bodies. Other people move past them to start the ascent to the viewing platform. Junmyeon takes photos of Chanyeol without him knowing.

They do a general sweep of the outdoor park before making it to the Picasso Exhibition Hall, one of the few indoor buildings housing artwork.

When they enter the quiet exhibit entrance Junmyeon vibrates with excitement. “Amazing,” he whispers. “There’s around 300 of Picasso’s works just here in this building.”

“But I thought Van Gogh was your favorite—” Chanyeol pushes them gently forward.

“He is,” Junmyeon replies. “But Van Gogh was post-impressionism. Picasso was only like, ten when Van Gogh died. They’re two totally separate moments in art history. He worked and contributed to surrealism and sculpture, of course, but obviously he’s super well known for essentially pioneering the whole cubism movement.”

Junmyeon turns to look at Chanyeol who is looking at him with an expression Junmyeon can only read as fond. “Stop looking at me like that. I miss when you would tease me over art, not be endeared by it.”

Chanyeol laughs, loud, and pushes Junmyeon away from him. One of the staff looks at them disapprovingly and Junmyeon bows in apology before grabbing Chanyeol by the elbow and dragging him away.

It’s an early afternoon, but it’s well spent. They take time to soak their feet in the natural fed hot spring, pants rolled to their knees with other visitors who do the same.

Chanyeol leans back hands on the ground supporting him, his black hair swooped across his forehead softly. “I was thinking,” he says, slowly swings his feet through the shallow pool. “There’s a museum like this, near New York City. It could be a day trip like this, or maybe we do something overnight. If we ever decided to go there. It has a cool name too, Strong Mountain or something—”

Junmyeon covers Chanyeol’s hand with his own, effectively making him lose his train of thought mid-sentence. Junmyeon’s heart warms thinking about more vacations with Chanyeol. Hopes he won’t be as lost during them. “Okay.”

It's a nice intermission before they leave to get back on the train to Gora where they transfer to the cablecar. From the cablecar they move to the ropeway. The elevation getting higher and higher, the billowing clouds from the volcanic activity visible, the sulfurous scent making both Chanyeol and Junmyeon scrunch their noses due to its less than pleasing smell.

They reach the peak of the ropeway where Mt. Fuji is visible in the distance, still snow capped at the end of March. Their ropeway car holding about a dozen people, all who swivel and turn to get their photos of the mountain.

Striking and massive, Junmyeon can’t help but feel a lingering acknowledgement of insignificance as they depart the ropeway at Owakudani and take photos together and of each other with the looming Mt. Fuji in the background. They grab a bite to eat at one of the cafe’s giant windows granting spectacular views while they gorge themselves on onigiri and a _kuro-tamago_ each, black hard-boiled eggs.

“They’re just regular boiled chicken eggs, but since they’re boiled in the hot sulfur spring it turns the shell black. So it’s become something special for the locals— like a tradition,” Chanyeol explains, “or legend. Because they say that eating one of these eggs adds seven years to your life.”

Junmyeon gently taps his egg, peels it open, and eats half of it in one bite. _To a long life…_ he toasts to himself.

It was a long day, but a successful one. They grab food to eat at the Hakone-Yumoto station before boarding the romance car back to Shinjuku. They both plug their phones into their portable chargers to pass the time. Eventually, on the train, Junmyeon is scrolling through the endless photos he took throughout the day. He comes across the ones he took of Chanyeol in the Symphonic Sculpture— his body candidly caught mid-movement, illuminated by the stained glass. Photos like this, of Chanyeol unaware and simply existing, are his most treasured. He taps the heart in camera roll, adding to his favorites, it to edit later.

🌸

The rest of their days are spent going to shrines and temples. Ducking Chanyeol’s head and wafting extra incense, teasing that he hopes he gets smarter. There’s photos of street signs and food. They buy snacks from the conbini and eat ice cream in Ueno park, which turns to be a great place for _hanami_, and people watching in general. Junmyeon is convinced that at least 40% of his entire camera roll is of sakura. They eat their food and sit on cardboard boxes, at least one of their knees touching.

It’s happiness. Happiness and food. Happiness and Chanyeol. Happiness and sadness. Sadness and Junmyeon.

Chanyeol checks in on him whenever it seems like the sadness creeps and bubbles to the surface, heavy and congealed and weighing him down. Junmyeon picks a fallen sakura petal out of Chanyeol’s hair, his heart feels full. “It just sucks that you can go somewhere so pretty and still be this sad.”

Chanyeol’s hand engulfs Junmyeon’s knee, “You’re allowed to be sad," he implores. "Kim Junmyeon, you’re the one who explained to me that you can be depressed and happy at the same time.” It’s noisy, but the buzz of people speaking in a language he doesn’t understand is just white noise in his brain, and he can focus on Chanyeol, on Chanyeol’s words. He can be happy and sad at the same time, somehow inexplicably.

On the morning of their flight their host greets them in the kitchen, all of their belongings packed and ready for the trek back to the airport, back to their everyday lives. She sees them to the genkan where they put on their shoes, and she insists on giving them a each a hug goodbye.

Junmyeon scrolls through Chanyeol’s instagram— sees their friends comments, how much fun Chanyeol had, how Chanyeol saw the same sights differently that him. Realizes that despite the lows he still had a really good fucking time. Acknowledges that it’s in-part because he was with Chanyeol, and that it’s because Chanyeol is the person he is; understanding and empathetic.

Sometimes you need to cry in another country before you can feel a little better. Junmyeon could be anywhere and still be sad. But he’s also with Chanyeol, so that’s got to count for something. He wishes he could be like him; brave in the ways that come with how he views the world— embracing it like it’s not out to hurt him. But for now it’s enough to love and trust.

**Author's Note:**

> there really is no real ending but i hope you enjoy it anyway! i the museum in tokyo is teamLab Planets and [here's a video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJbcIsD7k7I) to get a better understanding besides my poor description of one of their installations. at 0:15 is the exhibit i reference specifically.
> 
> thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed it. i'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/avisdreams) & recently made a [cc](https://curiouscat.me/avisdreams)~ let's chat!


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